Tickles, Doesn't It?
by Double Stuffed Oreo
Summary: Journey into the world of Bakura. The drumsticks, the soap operas, the nonsense... Oh, and the Malik. Contains hiking ropes in case you fear them. Warning: crackfic. Stupidity, out of character, mental scarring, etc. Have your humor out and ready folks.


**Author's Notes & All That Jazz:** So. It's been a while. Did ya miss me? Probably not. But. You know. That's life. And it's up to you to decide whether you wish to advance. On the left side of the fork in the road is the green lollipop of life and wonder. On the right is the red of despair and dismay. Choose wisely my friends. Choose very wisely.  
**WARNINGS: **So. If you read the last story... You will be aware of the scarring. The emotional pain. The link to inability to no longer understand the human race and how another's mind works. Other side effects may include nausea, headache, vomiting, indigestion, upset stomach, and possible diaherra, I guess. Advance with doggybags and a couple extra lives. Grab those 1-ups. You'll need 'em.  
**Disclaimers & Mess: **Yu-Gi-Oh still doesn't belong to me...yet. Better watch yo' back.  
You have reached the checkpoint. Press start to advance.

* * *

"I now pronounce you man…and _wife. _You may now kiss the bride!" Bakura drawled in a mushy voice, waving a drumstick before himself. "Don't mind if I do!"

There was a disgusting series of noises as Bakura practically inhaled the turkey leg, munching grossly and therefore getting meat all over…himself.

The sound of the door clicking open caused him to look over, drumstick hanging out of his mouth, along with a mixture of drool and grease. "Man where the hell you been?"

"Who, what, where?" Malik asked, before looking over, eyes widening as he slowly, _very _slowly, looked at Ryou. "…I thought you took care of this…_issue?"_

"Yeah, well, the surgeon wouldn't accept him." Ryou shrugged as he shut the door. "And to think, I had to cart that wheelbarrow up those seventy-five stairs."

"Quit whining you pansy. I'm trying to watch TV!" Bakura screeched, sitting on the floor, watching the television, "Diego, I thought I told you to stay with Rosa! Don't go with Josè! He's a _devil in disguise!"_

"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY COUCH?" Ryou screamed as he saw Bakura sitting, well, if you could call that sitting, on the floor.

Bakura merely looked around. "Who you talkin' to?"

"You, moron."

"Oh. Well. I ate it."

"…Why?"

"Because I got hungry, _duh."_

Trying to avoid looking at…the _thing _sitting on the floor, Malik turned to Ryou, "That party was fun, huh?"

"No, no not really." Ryou grumbled back.

"YOU REMINDED ME!" Bakura screeched. "I have to give Marik his present!" he yelled as he tensed up, straining and sweating in the process before causing a box to appear between two rolls. "There we go!"

Malik covered up his mouth trying to hold back the vomit. "Does he always do that after he eats?"

"Only on Thursdays." Ryou said, staring blankly.

Bakura managed to lift one huge, flabby arm, reaching for the cordless phone and unable to reach it. He started panting, "Oh, oh, that's enough exercise for today. I'm gonna make me an omelet."

And with that, he managed to look over his chins, looking at himself and how he had wrote on himself, somehow, with a magic marker. "Okay, okay… The stomach is the desserts, love handles is my meats… Right manboob…what's that…fruits… Oh, here we go. Left manboob is milk, eggs, and cheese… PERFECT." And with that, he stuck a hand underneath one manboob and extracted a handful of eggs before starting to crack them open on himself. "Look Ryou, I'm my own stove!"

"I'd hate to see the oven." Malik drawled.

In the process of making his…omelet…by using his own body heat and sweat as fuel, made a bit of a waving motion, "Ryou! Grab me the phone so I don't burn my omelet!"

"What, why?" Ryou asked. "Who the heck are you going to call anyway? You have no friends."

"MARIKKK. You ask a lot of dumb questions, Ryou." Bakura grumbled as he began eating off himself. "To wish him happy birthday and give him his present I kept in storage."

"No use calling him." Malik said somewhat disgusted as he watched Bakura stuff his face with his not fully cooked eggs. "Enjoy the salmonella by the way."

"I don't have to listen to you. Because I don't…like you. At all." Bakura said while continuing to shovel down his food. "RYOU! Get me the phone! I need to pee!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Ryou screamed.

"I need to talk to him before I go 'cuz I'll be in there for a while!"

"I just said you can't call him." Malik said again, covering his eyes as Bakura managed to hop…if you call that hopping…impatiently.

"No one cares what you think!" Bakura yelled, sulking and therefore causing his chins to morph together.

"But Marik isn't here right now," Malik said once _again_.

"WHAT?" Bakura yelled as he tried to get up. "SAY THAT AGAIN. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE DARE YOU. I WILL SIT ON YOU!"

"HEAVEN HELP US!" Malik screamed as he tried to run away, but didn't make it, Bakura finding, somehow, the strength and willpower to move and practically swallowing him whole.

"…You remind me of a cobra." Ryou said simply, not seeming too concerned, thinking Malik would simply be spat back up.

"…Malik tastes nasty." Bakura grumbled as he suddenly just plopped down. "I'm tired now."

"B-Bakura…you're gonna spit Malik back out right?" Ryou asked slowly, fear somewhat in his voice.

"ARE YOU MAD? HE WILL FORESAKE US ALL!" Bakura screeched in a far overdramatic fashion, looking at Ryou. "You could join him if you want."

"N-No… That's okay… I'm good…" Ryou mumbled.

"Eww…it stinks in here." A small voice was heard.

"M-Malik?" Ryou suddenly looked at Bakura's gut. And he saw what appeared to be a human imprint against the skin.

"GET OFF!" Bakura yelled as he punched himself, causing the form to fall, causing what sounded like a splashing noise.

"IT BURNS!"

"Nowww to get that phone call in." Bakura said rather happily, nodding a little and crossing his arms.

"…You do realize Malik was right, right." Ryou said veryyy slowly…and quietly.

"…What." Bakura said slowly himself, looking at Ryou. "Liesss."

"We gave him a vacation to the Bahamas for his birthday-"

All of a sudden the television changed to an emergency broadcast, showing some overly skinny woman with overly huge boobs.

"See, Ryou, I'm not the only one who stores stuff there!" Bakura said rather proudly as he noticed what look like a dollar bill sticking out of the woman's shirt.

"We, like, interrupt this program for an, like, emergency broadcast!" The woman stopped for a moment. "…Am I on? Right, right. Anyway, like, here in the Bahamas, where it's, like, so beautiful, there's currently, like, some weirdo, like, destroying the city with a collection of, like, fireworks. Or something."

There was an explosion in the background, followed by maniacal laughter.

"That's…MARIK'S LAUGH. I KNOW IT ANYWHERE." Bakura said a _bit _too obsessively. He suddenly turned slowly to Ryou. "You. You caused this."

"N-Now Bakura let's not be hasty…" Ryou said starting to back away.

"HOW BOUT YOU NOT BE HASTY?" Bakura practically exploded as he then suddenly just ate Ryou too.

There was a moment of silence. Then, Malik's voice: "Hey, how's it goin'?"

"And that solves that issue." Bakura said proudly.

Meanwhile, deep, deep, deep, deep, _deep, _within the galaxy- er, Bakura – was Malik and Ryou sitting on the remains of Ryou's precious but broken couch.

"Hey my couch!" Ryou said happily, about to hug it before realizing exactly what happened to it and exactly where they were. "…So. How we gonna solve this issue?"

"If that surgeon solved HIS issue we wouldn't have THIS issue!" Malik replied, flailing.

"How was I supposed to know lipo had a weight restriction?"

"Whatever, doesn't matter, we just have to find a way out, or… Bad things."

"Just say it, Malik."

"…I don't want to. It's icky." Malik whined in a girly voice.

"Malik, say it before I slap you."

"…Poopy."

"That's what I thought. You do it every day for exactly twenty minutes, because we all know you keep track of time while reading _'Dear Abby'."_

"THAT'S PERSONAL! …But true."

Ryou sighed. "Yes. Yes… Yes. Anyway…"

"Well, I mean, we could just wait until nature calls-" Malik started but was cut off suddenly.

"RYOU! The toilet's clogged up again!" Bakura screeched.

"…Or now. Now would be nice." Malik said simply.

"Well there's only one way out otherwise." Ryou half-stood up and looked around for a way to make to, erm, shore. "We'll have to hike out."

"You're joking right?" Malik asked, looking up at the dark hole they just fell through.

"No, no I'm not." Ryou said simply as he started using the mass amounts of swallowed food as a bridge.

Malik reached out his arms, and with a high pitched voice said, "Carry me?"

"No. No, no I won't. Get up and move, lazy sack, or you'll wind up like…him." Ryou got a set of squinty eyes then.

"And that is the most motivational speech of the century." Malik said as he began to follow Ryou.

Meanwhile, Bakura was continuing to watch the television, with his head tilted, as Josè and Diego started making out…heatedly…before starting to say things Bakura didn't understand…at all.

"Diego, que eran grandes ayer por la noche."

"Tú lo sabes. Pero no tan grande como yo voy a ser esta noche… ¿A menos que usted lo quiere ahore?"

"Oh, sí, nena, había de traer."

"This doesn't make any sense- Wait. Why are they getting naked?" Bakura said slowly, blinking several times. He seemed more confused when it suddenly switched to two women, "Wait, wait, whoa whoa whoa. So Josè's distant cousin Rosa's best friend's aunt's daughter Eva is actually dating Catalina? And Rosa does not know her best friend's aunt's daughter rolls that way?"

"Eva, ¿está usted detenido esta noche?"

"Sí, pero Rosa no se puede saber."

"Cualquier cosa para usted, querido."

Bakura blinked again. "Wait wait, why are they getting naked in public…? That poor bench. I don't think it likes that. It has feelings too."

All of a sudden some huge dude walked up and slapped both women in the face.

"OH HEY! It's Diego's uncle's brother's best friend's son Pablo the pimp!"

"¿Dónde está mi dinero?"

"¿Qué?"

"¡Diga lo que otra vez! ¡Yo te atreves! ¡Hago doble te atreves! ¡Diga lo que una vez más!"

All of a sudden the screen turned into a reddish screen covered with hearts, the announcer saying: "Vamos a volver a 'En tus brazos esta noche' después de estos mensajes."

"…This show is odd." Bakura said simply. "Which is one reason I don't understand soap operas."

All of a sudden Bakura started hacking and coughed up Ryou and Malik, who fell to the ground covered in slime and holding a hiking rope.

"Where'd the hiking rope come from?" Bakura asked.

"You ate it out of the shed last Tuesday."

"…Oh. Right, right." Bakura said, nodding.

"Alright. This went far enough. Time to get skinny right now mister." Ryou said as he put his hands on his hips.

"…Kay. You win. This show's confusing me anyway." Bakura said as he went to turn the television off.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT." Malik suddenly flew towards the television. "Is that the 'In Your Arms Tonight' soap opera? I LOVE THAT SHOW." He screamed as he practically pushed his face into the television. "Did Rosa find out yet?"

"Yeah, sure, I don't know…" Bakura mumbled, shrugging as a slice of cheesecake fell out from his gut.

Then, a few hours later, as Bakura was struggling to do sit-ups, Malik shivered. "As much as I love seeing Bakura…you know…pant, sweat, puke… I think I'm gonna go home now… And take a long…long…long…long…_long _shower."

"Alright, Malik, have fun with that." Ryou said simply as he kicked Bakura. "FASTER!"

Then, a sick montage later, Malik came practically skipping back to the house, before spying Bakura still doing failed exercise in the front yard, making a couple little kids across the street drop their ice cream cones and run inside.

"…This is _still _going on?" Malik asked, dumbfounded.

"Yup." Ryou said as he sat in a lawn chair under an umbrella drinking iced tea and reading a magazine labeled 'Albinos Weekly'.

"…Call me when the terror is over and the whale is gone?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Ryou said simply.

Bakura whined suddenly, "That's hurtful!"

"But true. I'm out. Peace," Malik said as he gave a far too cheery wave and skipped off.

Bakura stopped doing his sit-ups and looked at Ryou. "Ryou, I'm all sweaty. Can I take this off now?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure."

Bakura suddenly sat up, unzipping his _fat _suit, and kicking it away as he stood up. "I still can't believe I lost all that weight in only two hours! My metabolism is AMAZING!"

"Yeah, I suppose…" Ryou mumbled as he turned a page before looking at Bakura. "So when're you gonna tell Malik?"

"Can I _please _wait till Christmas? I wanna crash his party!" Bakura said as he rolled up the fat suit for…_safe keeping. _"Can I store this in my room?"

"…No. No, you can't. I have to return it tomorrow."

"What? Who, where, when, why?"

"Exactly. Moron."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **I laugh at your confusion and disgust. Haha. Ha. Ha. ...Ha.  
It's good to read the notes and warnings, isn't it?  
Laterz.


End file.
